How I Knew My Husband Was The One
(And How You Can Know the Right One Too)
If there is one question I’ve been asked more than any other, it is this one.
How did I know Sam was ‘The One’?
I’ve shared some thoughts on my Instagram before and on my friend Nicole’s Dream Check podcast about this subject. But I wanted to take the time to address this in a blog post all of its own.
When I was a teenager, I distinctly remember thinking how hard it would be to find someone to marry. I thought, “to find someone whose vision for life and spiritual walk align with mine, who I find physically attractive and vice-versa, who has a solid relationship with Jesus and who my family approves of…SO much would have to align perfectly for all that to happen!”
As I moved into my late twenties, this thought only became more distinct. The possibilities felt fewer and further between to meet this perfect match of mine.
Was he even really out there?
In which areas would I have to settle in order to find him?
If I met him, how would I know if he was the right one for me?
Fast forward to November 2020. In a series of events that could only have been led by God, I met my husband Sam.
When I say “The One,” I don’t mean “One” as in some ethereal, Plato soul-mate, rom com movie kind of way. It’s not a “One” in the sense that there is only one person out there who is going to click into and complete you in the most perfect way and you are wandering aimlessly in the universe, hopeless and lost, until you find one another.
When I say “The One,” I mean the one I choose.
I do believe God set Sam aside for me and I for him. I believe Sam is the one God planned and designed for me to marry and spend my life with.
I also believe God gave us both the ability and the freedom to choose each other as a spouse, and to deny all others along the way.
And so, there were six main factors that led me to know Sam was the one I was going to choose. While this decision is entirely your own, I believe the measures I used to choose Sam could help you when making this choice for yourself.
1. Peace
The one thing I asked of the Lord on my way to my first date with Sam was–
“Lord, if this is from you or if it’s not, please make it abundantly clear to both of us. Give us undeniable peace if this is what you have for us, or if it’s not.”
There wasn’t just overwhelming peace on that first date. The peace transcended our entire dating relationship (and beyond). Peace doesn’t mean there won’t be moments of fear and even anxiety. But peace surpasses understanding (Philippians 4:7). Peace is an underlying current far more trustworthy than the wild rivers of our emotions.
Peace begets giddiness, excitement, wonder, and awe. Peace is a coolness, a calmness, a steadfastness, a knowing…despite the questions and the doubts.
It’s okay to ask hard questions and face some doubts (although doubts are NOT to be confused with red flags). Especially when you’re considering someone to spend the rest of your life with, it’s quite wise to use your head and not just your heart when making this choice.
For me, knowing the peace of God was crucial to knowing Sam was the one God had for me.
2. Discernment
On our first date, I had a moment.
I thought to myself, “Oh my gosh. This guy could really be the one for me.”
We were talking about the Lord. I don’t even specifically remember what we were saying, but I remember knowing in my spirit that this man didn’t just know a lot of things about God. He knew God.
How did I know that?
Discernment.
As I got to know him more, what I discerned in my spirit only grew as I saw Sam’s love for Jesus shine through everything he did. His relationship with God was the most important thing to him and about him.
He didn’t say “all the right words” to appease me or because he was trying to look like a “good Christian.” I saw how what he said aligned with who he was in the way he lived his life.
Discernment is so much more & goes way deeper than “when you know, you know.” I actually hate that phrase and I believe it can be incredibly misleading and dangerous.
Discernment, like peace, goes beyond your emotions. If you desperately want to see something in someone, sooner or later, you’ll convince yourself that you see it, even if it’s not actually there. This is where discernment is critical.
You’ll likely have heard of “rose colored glasses.” Discernment is like the Ben Franklin bifocals from National Treasure. While one lens might be rosey, discernment knows to hit the lever and see things through the realm of reality.
Discernment isn’t forged overnight. It takes time spent in God’s Word, in learning how to pray and hear the voice of God, of failing, of growing in your knowledge and love for the Lord to be able to tell the difference in this area.
If you feel as though your discernment isn’t as sharp as you’d like it to be, I’d highly encourage you to supplement this by inviting others into this decision with you. When you give a small few, trusted, Godly people access into your life, they can speak with discernment on this choice.
3. Fun
Being around each other and spending a lot of time together was easy, and so, so fun. Sam brought out in me a playfulness I (or my family) hadn’t seen in years. For the first time, I wanted to be adventurous and spontaneous, as long as I was with him.
Do you have pure, unadulterated, undeniable fun with the person you’re considering spending your life with?
I sure hope so.
4. Attraction
It still catches me off guard sometimes when I see Sam out of the corner of my eye. This man is so hot. Does he realize he could have picked anyone, like literally anyone?! Sam is my absolute ideal perfect man in the looks department. And I truly cannot wrap my head completely around the fact that he picked me.
I’m not saying I’m homely looking, but I honestly feel like he settled and I reached. He vehemently disagrees, but I digress.
It should go without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway. You should be physically and sexually attracted to your spouse.
Listen up: if you’re trying to convince yourself to be with someone because they have “all the other qualities you’re looking for” but they lack this one thing…forget it.
Just remember– you’re the one who is going to have sex with this person and possibly make babies with them for the rest of your life. I’d suggest really liking how they look.
5. No Red Flags
This is huge. The list of “red flags” is largely subjective, but I believe the one I’ve compiled here is quite comprehensive.
He wasn’t passive or pushy with physical and emotional boundaries. In fact, he ruthlessly protected me and fearlessly led me in this area.
He didn’t have me constantly questioning or doubting where he was at or what he was thinking. In fact, he was exceptionally clear in his communication, in his leading, and in his intentions. I always knew exactly how he felt about me and what he wanted out of our relationship.
He protected my heart with his words and actions, even at the expense of his own desires.
He didn’t discourage my time alone with God. In fact, he adamantly encouraged it.
He cared about my family and friends and was excited about introducing me to his.
6. Family Involvement
Having our families be an intricate part of our relationship was really important to both of us.
We both came from very connected families. Since our relationship was moving fast, we knew early on that including them in the progress of our relationship was vital to their ultimate approval and blessing.
It meant a lot to me that he not only made it a priority to spend time with and get to know my family, especially considering they all lived in different countries. But he was also bursting at the seams to share me with his family too.
Allowing our families in was also collateral in case the discernment in either of us grew weary. We gave those closest to us explicit permission to be honest with us if they started to see things we were missing.
I know not all of these points can transcend perfectly to every situation. But I pray you’ll take some of them to heart if you’re preparing to make this life-altering decision of who to marry.
Teenage Tiff really thought it was nearly impossible for all the right things to align in order to find the right one to marry.
But Sovereign God knew that he had the Ace in his back pocket and was keeping a young Sam Hogle in the rafters, for just the right time.
Of course Sam is not perfect.
But he’s perfect for me.
